Blessed Be the Name of the Lord

Cindi called me around 3:00am today to tell me the outcome of her court appearance.  The judge heard both our case and the Littleton’s case, which is very good news, but he said that he would give his ruling on Wednesday, June 5.  He didn’t say what that ruling would be or why it’s being delayed.

Everything else I could say is speculation at this point.  It may be best to attempt to answer some of the questions you might have.  My thoughts will be intermingled.

Why would the judge delay the process like this?  Any answer to this question is mainly speculative.  There are a number of potential answers that seem reasonable enough to us to be possibilities, but nothing is certain.  A few of those potential answers are: (1) a desire to know the orphanage and its purposes in order to be sure that these children are being placed in good homes; (2) job-related busyness that prevents him from giving and writing the ruling immediately; (3) typical African slowness; (4) prideful enjoyment in exercising power over white people by making them wait and wonder; (5) strategically keeping white people in the country for the sake of the economy; (6) waiting for a bribe (though he’s never said or hinted at this).  I could tell you which reasons are more probable in my mind and which are virtually impossible, but I think it would be uncharitable to cast any specific judgment on the judge since we don’t know his reasoning.  At the same time, it’s not unfair to say that he knows what he’s doing and how it effects those under his authority.  At the end of the day, though, it’s decisions and not reasons that will move things forward.  That’s why we keep praying.

Is there anything you can do to speed up the process or transfer to a different judge?  Not that I know of.  A few friends who know people in high places in Uganda have offered to talk to those higher-ups, but anything outside of the normal process would be the prerogative of the orphanage.  If there were some alternative that had a good chance of smoothing things out, the orphanage would already be pursuing it.  Plus, doing something rash could jeopardize the whole process.  If the judge is really waiting and feeling everyone out (which seems to be the case), it wouldn’t help to try to force the issue.  That’s more of an American customer-service mentality that doesn’t work the same way everywhere else.  There are many other families arriving in the next couple months, and creating waves certainly wouldn’t make anyone else’s voyage any smoother.  It’s simply best to wait at this point.  The orphanage administrators are doing everything they can do and they certainly share our sentiments about these unexplained delays since they’ve been at this for three years and have a vision that is far broader than one family and one child.

Is this normal?  There isn’t really a “normal” in this situation.  Some families have been postponed and later denied and have spent a year in Uganda in the appeals process only to come home without their children and begin looking into other non-conventional ways to finalize the process (like living in Uganda for an extended period of time which can qualify you to adopt).  Others have returned with their children after six weeks.  Last week a family adopting out of a different orphanage was approved by our judge and left for the States within the week.  So, yes, this is normal in the sense of being unpredictable and uncontrollable.  But it’s certainly not what the orphanage is hoping for, and it’s obviously not bureaucratically efficient or prudent, cultural differences aside.  My take on it is that while I’m not ashamed to say that I wish things were different, I have read enough Scripture and lived long enough to not expect life to be easy or tame.  I am happier to define normalcy by the will of God than by predictability and comfortability (though I have to crucify my love of comfort every day).  He is good, and that colors everything.  These are not just theological niceties or spiritual platitudes.  They are the foundation of my life and the fuel of my worship.  They are what make me worship at 3:00am with the words of Job.  How can I worship God in anything else if I can’t worship Him in the midst of disappointment and difficulty?  Gift-centered worship does not show that God is a treasure.  Gut-wrenching worship does.  My heart is not perfect or unwavering, and my worship is not consistent or pure, but my heart is held by the hand of God and my worship is sustained by His grace.

How are you and Cindi doing?  I only talked to Cindi for a few minutes this morning, but she’s doing OK.  She’s a very strong young lady whose heart God has strengthened through significant trials over the last decade.  She said that the hardest thing for her at this point is knowing how to freely love Judah while guarding her heart with the knowledge that he might never come home.  As for me, I feel pretty steady, though the stream of thoughts is unceasing.  Aside from missing Cindi and Judah and awaiting the outcome of this process, my main difficulty is being the center of attention since arriving home after being so calm and under-the-radar for three weeks in Uganda.  We are so blessed to have so many people in our lives who love us and pray for us.  It is genuinely incredible how much support we have, and we cherish it.  It humbles us.  It also presents me with the personal challenge of being in the spotlight for the next week as everyone sees me for the first time and wants to hear the latest news.  But what a wonderful problem to have.  A related difficulty on the heels of the current news is answering the “How-are-you-doing?” questions honestly and succinctly.  Everyone reading this has experienced that when you say that it’s hard, people assume that faith is wavering, and when you say that faith is strong, people assume that it’s not hard.  I have found that both can be true at the same time, and often should be.  It’s hard at times, and we trust God.

How can we help?  The best way to help is to pray.  We know that literally hundreds of people are praying for us, and we know that God hears.  Also, don’t be overly self-conscious about encouraging us.  Every Christian has experienced the awkwardness and even disillusionment of well-meaning friends making cliche comments about God’s sovereignty or God’s goodness or even atheological things like “It’ll all work out” or “Hey, look on the bright side…”  But my conviction is that no matter how much I think someone understands about my situation and no matter how broad or cliche their encouragement is, if they’re telling me something about who God is and what He says (which excludes the latter two cliches), I’m going to listen and go home and think about it.  So remind us of who God is and what He says, not because you assume that we’re downcast, but because it’s always good to hear even if we already know.  Even cliches became cliches for a reason.  They’re not worthless.

One final thought:  This really isn’t a big trial, all things considered.  Not like Josiah becoming king at eight years old.  Not like Hezekiah and Isaiah praying down the angel of the LORD when faced with Sennacherib and his 185,000-strong Assyrian horde.  Not like Paul’s litany of sufferings in 2 Corinthians 11.  Not like Richard Wurmbrand’s torturous years in Romanian prisons.  Not like Bunyan in jail or Spurgeon in controversy or Brainerd spitting up blood all day in the New England winter as a missionary.  Not like Hebrews 11.  It’s really a small thing.  I really believe that.  I believe that very few Americans truly understand trials and suffering and sacrifice and faith, and I don’t think that I’m one of the few.  American Christianity hovers above the surface of suffering — we haven’t even touched the surface, much less scratched it.  So I want to be careful about allowing ourselves to think of small things as big trials lest we get de-cleated when the big ones come.  This doesn’t mean we don’t need prayer or that this situation is unimportant.  It just means that exaggerating hardship won’t lead to greater spiritual strength and stamina in years to come.

I don’t know who all reads these things, but I can sincerely say that we love you all and deeply appreciate your interest, concerns, emails, support, encouragement, partnership, gifts, comments, and prayers.  Don’t think those things are valueless or quickly forgotten.  They’re not.

Some Thoughts

I don’t know of a good way to introduce these.  Some are momentary observations, some are unripe opinions, some are (prayerfully) immovable convictions.  All are thoughts from the last day or two.

1. Our court date is Wednesday, April 25.  I want to put this at the top because I don’t want to bump it from anyone’s mind who’s praying for us and the other families.
    
2. Cindi emailed me and said that an American family adopting from a nearby orphanage was recently approved by our judge for their adoption.  This is good news.  But not good enough to warrant our trust.  In many situations in life we have the choice to lean our hope on statistics or sovereignty.  I choose the latter because it is invincible and unfailing.  Probabilities and percentages can rightfully bolster hope and give encouragement, but only the kind of hope that is secondary and tentative.  Each statistic is like a grain of sand.  Multiply them and you still only have something that can be washed away immediately.  But God’s providential goodness is a rock.  It cannot be moved.  This is a good place to stand.
    
3. I went for a walk in the late morning to pray for our court date and other things.  I also wanted to walk because I’m used to walking after three weeks in Africa and it feels a bit lonely just driving everywhere.  When you walk in Uganda you see 25 people for every car.  When I walked today I saw 25 cars for every person.  I went and sat at a picnic table in the shade at Hart Park.  There were only a few people there, mostly down-and-outers.  I thought two things: (1) This is a good place for the gospel.  (2) Parks are beautiful, peaceful, family-friendly and meditation-friendly places that are all over the place in my town.  Almost no one goes to them.  That is very strange.
    
4. I brushed my teeth yesterday.  When I finished brushing, I cupped my hands beneath the faucet so that I could wash the foamed-up toothpaste out of my mouth.  I spit out four mouthfulls of water before it hit me that I could actually swallow some of this water when I finished rinsing, without the risk of getting sick.  I never did that in Uganda.
    
5. It felt strange walking down the hill among the dorms at TMC yesterday after our late-afternoon RD meeting.  I saw several students walking around.  I had the sensation that I was walking among a small society of people who don’t know what they have.  The reason I felt this way is that I talked to numerous people in Uganda who dream of getting an education in the States.  Meanwhile, we apply to multiple schools and choose from our options.  It’s not wrong that we have more, and they’re not better for having less.  But it’s good and right for us to realize the fact.
    
6. My allergies are kicking up today.  I knew they would.  I’ve never had them tested, so I don’t know what I’m allergic to.  But I had almost zero allergy problems in Uganda due to the change in climate and biological culture.  I’ve heard (and I’ve confirmed with a friend who’s a medical student) that part of the reason why allergies are so rampant in America is that we’re such a hyper-clean society.  Our immune systems don’t have much to fight, so they make enemies.  Perhaps there is an illustration here regarding tests, trials, and trivial complaining.
    
7. There are many privileges to being a citizen.  You realize that when you arrive in the States and waltz through the “Citizens/Residents” line at LAX as the hordes of foreigners wait in the “Visitors” line.  I remember arriving in Uganda, standing in line for a visa, and watching the residents arrive.  Yesterday morning I observed the international visitors as they very obviously watched the line of U.S. citizens, feeling both curious and strangely out-of-place in comparison.  It’s nice to be home — I speak the language, I know the customs, I recognize the food, I have a routine, and I have many caring friends welcoming me back.  But I actually feel lonely here.  I know a few practical reasons why, and I’m not going to turn this into a bleeding-heart post.  Suffice it to say that though I appreciate America and the privileges I enjoy, I just don’t feel at home.  I feel like a foreigner, an alien, a stranger — a strange person, in fact.  God is so real and the gospel is so central and Christ is so glorious, but almost every person that I pass on the streets doesn’t know that.  They live like the opposite is true.  This makes the world a lonely place to be if you love Christ and cherish holiness and want to see the Son honored as He deserves.
    
8. I turned the TV on last night and found that there were more than the five channels we had at our hotel in Uganda.  This means that there will always be something to watch that will momentarily satisfy our pathetically meager appetites.  Earlier I had checked my email and used the internet and realized that when you have fast and consistent internet access, it’s easier to spend more time surfing websites and blogs.  Even after only checking up on Todd Bolen, TeamPyro, DesiringGod, DrudgeReport, and ESPN.com, I felt very exorbitant.  That doesn’t mean I was exorbitant.  It just means there are other perspectives available besides the common one.
    
9. I turned on my laptop yesterday afternoon after being home for a few hours.  I ran the cursor arrow over the wireless internet symbol in the bottom right corner of my screen.  The tiny computer monitor symbol was a bright light blue with two little green curved waves coming out the right side.  I was connected.  A rectangular box popped up.  It said this:
    
   Wireless Internet Connection (TMCwirelessOM)
   Speed: 48.0 Mbps
   Signal Strength: Excellent
   Status: Connected
     
   I stopped and thanked God for this fast and immediate connection.  I would’ve felt very guilty had I just opened up Microsoft Outlook or Internet Explorer and started into my work.  I had to express my gratitude first, because I felt very thankful.  I don’t usually do that.
    
10. My friend Matt Telle picked me up at the Van Nuys FlyAway.  We went to In ‘N Out for lunch.  It was very strange to watch the line of people move so efficiently, to order and know that my cheeseburgers and fries would be ready in only 15 minutes, and to already know exactly what my food would taste like and how much of it I was getting.
     
11. I read some internet headlines yesterday as I looked at what we call “news.”  I thought, “Most of these things really don’t matter at all.  How strange that we give them such attention.”  My opinion is that this triviality is not an issue of culture (though America is certainly one of the leaders in it) but one of worldwide shallowness.  We were made to marvel at God and we read celebrity gossip.
     
12. I have a friend and co-laborer who’s currently spending a week providing biblical counseling on the campus of Virginia Tech.  I have another friend who recently sent an email update informing those on his missionary update list of his recent and prolonged discouragement and distance from God.  Both are people I respect and whose friendships I value.  One is the spiritual hero of my college years (and he still is).  These two emails have reminded me again that life and the spiritual battle is not a game, and that no matter how hard we try to run towards fashion and video games and fitness and sports and shopping and academic respectability and appreciating homes and depreciating sacrifice and financial stability and career advancement, life is deeper than those things.  It’s hard to live with a relentlessly watchful, sober-minded, spiritual mindset because it demands constantly squinting at what’s invisible and making choices that usually seem strange when they’re right.  But it’s wise, no matter what the world tells you, because triviality only makes sense until the judgment.
     
13. I have another friend and mentor who’s laboring joyfully and without complaint in pastoral ministry.  And I mean laboring.  I just talked to his wife today about what his schedule looks like and the preaching, teaching, studying, training, and counseling he’s doing along with being a faithful husband and father (which he is).  I know many other people who are laboring in similar work.  It was good to hear, because my friend is doing good and right things with a good and right attitude.  He will not look back and see a wasted life.  I needed the exhortation of his example today.
     
14. I read this yesterday on the plane from Amsterdam to Los Angeles.  It’s 2 Chronicles 33:9-13.  It left an impression, especially the last sentence:  “Thus Manasseh misled Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem to do more evil than the nations whom the LORD destroyed before the sons of Israel.  The LORD spoke to Manasseh and his people, but they paid no attention.  Therefore the LORD brought the commanders of the army of the king of Assyria against them, and they captured Manasseh with hooks, bound him with bronze chains and took him to Babylon.  When he was in distress, he entreated the LORD his God and humbled himself greatly before the God of his fathers.  When he prayed to Him, He was moved by his entreaty and heard his supplication, and brought him again to Jerusalem to his kingdom.  Then Manasseh knew that the LORD was God.”
     
15. #14 was going to be last, but it reminded me of something.  I’ve found that oftentimes when someone quotes Scripture on a blog, I tend to skip or skim it in favor of reading the person’s own words.  Many times I have to fight hard to focus and concentrate on the Scripture that’s being quoted.  I think there are a few reasons for this, but I don’t think that most of them are good.

I close with a verse that’s printed on the back of the shirt I’m wearing.  I’ve been told that my struggling friend in #12 who’s more spiritually committed than almost anyone I’ve met chose this verse years ago to go on the dorm shirt for the year.  It’s from Job 13:15.  It says, “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.”  If only we were all so surrendered.

Court Date Correction, Thoughts on Returning, and Pictures and Video

I arrived back in Los Angeles this morning.  Cindi is still in Uganda for three more weeks and possibly longer depending on the outcome of our upcoming court date.  She emailed me yesterday and told me that our court date is actually on Wednesday, April 25th, not Tuesday the 24th.  There had been confusion regarding the actual date for the past two-and-a-half weeks, but apparently it’s finally settled.  There are four cases before Cindi’s.  Then she will appear before the judge followed by Scott and Erin Littleton, a couple seeking to adopt two children from Amani.  We are soaking this in prayer — there is nothing else we can do.  And what a healthy place to be.  Here’s how you can pray.

There are a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head from the last few days after three weeks in Africa meeting our potential son, leaving him and my wife there indefinitely, awaiting the judge’s ruling, wondering what God’s will might be for us and Judah, stepping back into a busy and radically different life in Southern California college ministry, and feeling a bit strange trying to adjust to life on the highway of America after experiencing a large speed bump called Africa.  I wouldn’t say that I have reverse culture shock (at least not an extreme version) or that I feel uniquely angry about American excess and materialism and ungratefulness.  But I do feel more than a bit strange and out of place for a variety of reasons.  That’s OK.  It will pass.  Hopefully quickly enough that I don’t wallow in it but not so quickly that I learn nothing.  Life was slow in Africa because of the culture and because our purpose was so singular; I had little to do and a lot of time to think.  Life is fast in America because of the culture and because we are pulled in many different directions; I have lots to do and little time to think.  Both have their place and season, although these past three weeks were full of needed rest and refreshing meditation.  May God grant us all discernment to know which pace we should choose and when.

But enough rumination.  I have fast and reliable internet access now, and that means that I should be posting pictures and videos instead of only words.  If you’re a family adopting out of Amani, please comment or send me an email and let me know what child you’re matched up with (gunner_23@hotmail.com).  I’ll post a fair number of pictures and short videos here, but if I have a lot of media of the child you’re seeking to adopt, I’ll try to burn a CD and send it to you (e.g., Christopher, because he’s one of my favorites).  The orphanage administrators put a lot of effort towards sending you pictures, but you simply can’t understand how difficult it is to do such a simple task with the inconsistency of internet and electricity and the full, unpredictable schedules they keep.  That’s part of the reason why I tried to take many pictures of the kids whose families I know.  I will post as many of the best pictures as soon as I can.  Meanwhile, here are some (mainly of Judah) that I would’ve posted from Uganda but couldn’t until now:

Judah Meets Gunner (Monday, April 2, 2007)

Gunner Holding Christopher

Judah and Matthias – Fun Before Bedtime

High Fives

Judah Walking in Cindi’s Sandals

Judah Is OUT

Judah on the Balcony of Our Hotel Room

Judah Watches the Fishermen on Lake Victoria

This final picture reminds of this.

I beg you now, O Lord of grace:
Let Judah early seek Your face.
Dear God of sight, please hear my plea:
I want my son to always see.

Prayer for Our Court Date (Revised)

I return to the States on Monday, April 23rd, Lord-willing.  Cindi and Judah along with a family named the Littletons are scheduled to appear before the judge in Jinja on Wednesday, April 25th.  Cindi will probably arrive at court in the morning and hopefully will be seen after the four cases that are before her.  The Littleton’s are schedule to appear before the judge right after Cindi.  Wednesday morning in Uganda is Tuesday night in California (10 hours difference).  Here are five ways that you can pray:

1. That the judge would not be sick (as he has been recently) and would hear these two cases.
2. That the Lord would cause the judge to understand and trust the purposes of the orphanage instead of being suspicious.
3. That the Lord would cause the judge to want to help these children and would guard his heart against seeing this as an opportunity to exercise power over Americans.
4. That the Lord would cause the judge to give a positive ruling and would guide him to put the exact necessary wording on the ruling.
5. That God would continue to produce faith and peace in the hearts of the adopting families, many of whom are arriving in the next few weeks and months.

Thank you so much for your prayers.  This is a season of watershed events regarding international adoptions out of the Amani Baby Cottage.